how perfectionism ruins your relationships



It’s hard sometimes to feel good about yourself and to practice self-love when you simply can not fit in anywhere. Your self-esteem will be on the rocks if you the people around you don’t really like you or they don’t really enjoy your company. While sometimes this could be due to reasons that you may have little or no control over, sometimes it could be due to how we present ourselves to others. So this article will look at how perfectionism ruins your relationships. Perfectionism is among the traits or behaviours that hurt us and those around us without us trying. Unsuccessful or broken relationships can have a wild toll on your self-esteem and how this may affect the way you feel about yourself in a negative way.

It’s, February, right? A few days away from valentines. So why I’m I not talking about love like everybody else? Well, sometimes, it’s so hard to celebrate love when you don’t feel it within yourself and from those around you. But if you are looking for some inspiration for your relationship, check out these awesome relationship goals. Discover more about how you can make your woman happy and how to make your man happy from these articles. And remember not to show love on one day only. Practice love and service to each other as a daily routine.

Some time back, I shared something awesome about learning how to love yourself. You must have a look at the article because it highlights very important aspects of self-love.

What is perfectionism?

This is the need for everything to be flawless, perfect or correct. Psychology today says perfectionism is a trait that makes life an endless report card on accomplishments and looks. It sucks the joy out of life because you’re always left with a thirst for excellence.

Furthermore, it is considered to be associated with self-esteem issues because the perfectionist feels they must do certain things, look, or act a certain way to be accepted as a person. They never feel good enough and are never satisfied with their lives.

Perfectionists want their partners, children or relatives to act or talk a certain way. Their colleagues must do things in a certain way and produce results that are orderly and excellent. They feel they must always be around to control or influence the outcome of someone or something.

Perfectionism has three dimensions

Self-oriented perfectionism; Desire to be perfect and outstanding, placing unrealistic expectations on oneself.

Other-oriented perfectionism; Placing unrealistic standards of perfection on others.

Socially prescribed perfectionism; Perception of unrealistic expectations from others or the society. Thinking “I have to look this way, achieve these things or do this in order to be socially acceptable”.

Perfectionism is not considered a form of mental illness in itself, however, it is a common factor in mental disorders including obsessive-compulsive disorder and other personality disorders.

Who is a perfectionist?

A perfectionist is someone who refuses to accept any standard that is short of perfect. Perfectionists usually set unrealistically high standards for themselves and others. If someone such as a spouse, child or colleague does not perform to their standard, it becomes hard or impossible for the perfectionist to love or accept that person. As such, perfectionists do not believe in unconditional love. Because they expect others to be a certain way in order to get acceptance, they also believe they have to do or achieve certain things in order to be accepted. They are usually all-or-none kind of people that find it hard to accept anything short of a certain particular standard.

Perfectionists are usually fault-finders that focus more on what is missing than what is existing. They pay particular attention to detail and are likely to see the bad side of someone or something than the good side. They focus on correcting the wrong that they see without taking time to enjoy the beauty that exists despite the flaws. This is because they are obsessed with perfection.

Unfortunately, perfectionists are not so perfect. They often make a lot of mistakes, leave a lot of gaps and ruin the things around them especially the people that they love and relationships.

Perfectionism is a ruthless form of self-slavery.

Signs that you are a perfectionist

Fear of failure

Low self-esteem


Comparison mindset

Being extremely hard on yourself and others

Very critical towards oneself and others

Feelings of worthlessness

Extremely high standards

All-or-none approach to life

Zero tolerance for mistakes or failure


Feelings of depression when you fail to achieve goals

How perfectionism lowers your self esteem

You often spot out the mistakes of others that they may not notice

How perfectionism hurts your relationships

how perfectionism ruins your relationships

Trying to please a perfectionist is like pouring water into an ocean, or trying to grasp the wind. No matter what you do, it’s just never good enough. Perfectionism makes you demand so much from people thereby exhausting the very life out of them and makes you a toxic person to be around. Nobody wants to feel inadequate in any given relationship. And that’s exactly how one feels when they have to put up with a perfectionist. This pushes people away. Those that stay are rarely happy to be around you and they endure either because they love you too much to leave or they have no other choice but to stick around.

Not only does perfectionism hurt your relationships with the people around you, but also the relationship with yourself. It crushes your self-esteem and stripes you of self-love. Self-esteem influences how much you love and value yourself. If you have low self-esteem, you’re likely to have low self-worth. Naturally, you will end up looking down on yourself and possibly loathe your very existence. People that have low self-esteem usually make toxic partners. It’s hard to love selflessly when you can’t even love yourself.

Psychologists have proven that perfectionists tend to be very self-critical, unsatisfied and unhappy.

Perfectionism has been linked to the following;




Eating disorders

Poor body image

Stress and burnouts

Personality disorders

Suicidal tendencies

Unrelenting standards

Lack of satisfaction in self-performance and that of others

How to stop being a perfectionist

All that has been said must not make you feel hopeless if you have realised that you are a perfectionist. If you have lost so many good people in your life and you think you may have pushed them away, there’s always hope of recovering lost relationships. If not, you can make a few personal changes so that your future relationships will be different. You can also start by fixing the relationship with yourself.

The only way to become a better person is by first accepting that there’s a problem somewhere. Then dig deeper within yourself to identify where the real problem might be. You must do this with a positive mindset otherwise you will be stuck in rumination and more self-loathing. Learn how to self-introspect the right way here. When you find the answers, don’t curl up in a ball of self-pity and host a self-hate party.

You must strategize. Research, read books and articles, speak to people that have had your experiences and learn how they overcame. Dedicate enough time to your personal development because it will take a considerable amount of time for you to eventually be satisfied with your desired results. Be patient with yourself. This is because as humans we grow gradually and the step you have taken is one towards growth and maturity. Don’t expect to wake up the next morning to find a giant beanstalk outside your window for you to climb to your satisfaction and happiness. There is no magic seed other than your personal efforts, patience, and perseverance in this matter.

11 steps to get rid of perfectionism tendencies

Re-examine what you base your self-worth on

Let go of comparison mindset

Practice mindfulness

Practice gratitude

Avoid negative self-judgement

Practice unconditional self-love

Don’t be too judgemental on others

Practice acceptance and tolerance

Try to ignore the faults and focus on the strengths and positives.

Understand that setting realistic and attainable goals is not lowering your standards

Remember, it is not your obligation to fix everyone and everything around you.

Take a self-assessment test to determine if you have issues with perfectionism

how perfectionism ruins your relationships

Do you want to know if you have issues with perfectionism? Enter your email below to download a free Self-Assessment Perfectionism Test tool. If you are subscribed to this blog, you must have the password to my resource library. Simply access the assessment tool from there. If at all you are subscribed and do not have the password, send me an email to request it.

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  1. I have realized that I do have a bit of a perfectionist tendency. It was great while I was in school to push me to do my best, but you’re right, it is tough on a relationship or in my case marriage, so I am having to learn to adjust. Thank you for these 11 helpful tips.

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